A scary, profound thing happened today. I was driving on University Ave. and on the freeway overpass there was a teenage girl and an older woman, probably her mother, struggling with each other. They looked Chinese to me. A young man was passively looking on. It took me a few seconds to realize the girl was threatening to jump onto the freeway below. She was crying, and the older woman looked so pained.
I had to drive around them because there’s no sidewalk on that side and the rail is very low. I didn’t stop. My first response was anger. I drove a few more blocks and finally pulled over and called 911. But why did I feel anger instead of wanting to help with the situation? The scene reminded me of all the fights I got into with my grandmother and mother. My gut instantly recognized the dynamic. Suicide is quite common in China, especially for girls and women. This girl probably was pregnant, or had sex before marriage, or failed a class, or possibly just dated a non-Chinese man. I remembered all the pressure put on me as a child, and that’s put on all Chinese girls. But I also had compassion for the mother, and my own mother and grandmother. I could see the love in the mother’s face, as well as the horrible pain, in the same way that I always knew that my mother and grandmother loved me in spite of what they tried to get me to do. It’s heartbreaking to think about.
I drove to my destination on Piedmont Ave. and turned right in front of the Piedmont Theater, next to which is a store with African artifacts. In the window of the store was a white tiger. The White Tigress, if you’ve read previous entries, is the primordial earth goddess in China. I thought to myself, “OK that’s a sign, I need to go pray somewhere.” I knew that Glen Echo creek was nearby. Without thinking, I ended up on a bridge over the creek, in much the same way the girl was on the overpass. I made my offering of rice to the creek and prayed for the girl, for the double binding of her mother, wanting to save her daughter and yet still trying to navigate the shame imposed by her cultural restrictions, to please be released from my own anger, to be released from patriarchy, to be able to see the beauty and light in my own culture. I prayed for the White Tigress to be with me and help me.
Later, in my women’s group, I visualized how I would have liked to have reacted. I saw myself stop my car and get out with a tiger on a leash! That certainly would have stopped everything, eh? I then went back and saw myself as the teenage girl, and having a goddess and tiger come to help me.
I really hope they are all right. And obviously, they aren’t suffering so that I can have my little spiritual experience. I checked news websites and haven’t seen anything about them. I think the White Tigress is calling me to work with her. I’ve wanted to reach out to Chinese girls before, to give them some way of connecting to a strong feminine spirit, even though I have virtually no connection to the Chinese community. AND, calling a woman a White Tigress in China is to call her a sexual predator who kills her lovers after mating with them. See how far we’ve strayed? Shit, I guess I have to go do it now!
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