The Beloved

At my 9-day training at The School for the Work, I did my usual M.O., which is to create an obsession with someone. Sometimes it’s a woman, in which case, everything she does will annoy me. More often, and this time, it’s a man. This made some kind of sense since I was there to relieve myself of my obsessions with another man. What better way to do that than replace him with someone new?

So, we do some partnering exercises the first day and thereafter I watch him relentlessly. Since the entire training is about our thoughts and we spend most of our time in silence, I get to observe exactly what I’m doing. I let myself go for it in the name of science. I imagine he’s looking at me. I imagine he’s not looking at me, ever. I imagine he’s looking at that woman or that woman. I compare myself to that woman. Hey! That woman is laughing and smiling and twirling her hair at him and we’re not supposed to even flirt! I notice I’m turned on, which helps keep me alert during the sessions.

I do what I think are cool things so he’ll notice me. I notice that even when I’m laughing at something, I’m also wondering if I look carefree and attractive. Although I’m watching him, I rarely look directly at him. Even with all this going on, in reality nothing is happening. We never speak to each other in spite of sitting near each other most of the time. What I really want him to feel is desire. I want him to want a person who doesn’t seem to notice him. When I realize this I feel horror. I honestly don’t want anyone to feel how awful I feel when I desire someone who I think won’t care about me.

A lot of the training is about noticing all the ways we seek love, approval and appreciation. And that when we are doing that, we are outside ourselves. We are seeking that which we already are: love, and we are therefore insane in those moments.

OK, six days into it and a lot of exercises that deal with how to feel connected to people and I decide to act like he’s my boyfriend. If he were my boyfriend how would I feel in this moment right now? Well, I’d feel great, because he’s near me, and we’re enjoying the workshop. I start to feel exactly as if this is true! I start to notice that the more I do this throughout the day, the closer and closer he gets to me. Eventually, he’s laid out before me at my feet. I could stroke his hair with my foot if I wanted to. Our shoes are near each other’s and my binder is on top of his bag. Oh, this is sweet, my Beloved is with me. This is something I could feel whenever I decide someone is The Beloved! At one point he sits right next to me and I get to enjoy that. He even speaks to me about the music that’s playing and we laugh a little.

The next day I do an exercise that is really, really hard. I end up shaking and crying and I wrap myself up in a blanket and sit where no one else is sitting for several rows. After a few minutes, out of the corner of my eye, I see him slowly, gently coming down the row and he sits right next to me. I feel his arm and leg barely touching mine. I start to think I must not be feeling that bad, because I can start to feel turned on and my mind goes into overdrive. I notice that I want to grab his hand, put his arm around my shoulders and fall into his arms. I start to wonder how I’m going to give him my email address later on. What does this mean, my brain screams.

Earlier that day I’d been thinking about how cats will just come sit with you. They’re so companionable. Cats don’t sit where they don’t want to so you really know they’re there because you’re there. I decide to come back into myself and just enjoy. It turns into one of the sweetest moments of my life. The Beloved is with me. We don’t talk later, but he gives me a sweet smile at lunch. I’m stunned for the rest of the day.

At the celebration later that evening, I spin around whether I should say something, and I notice him dancing with lots of women, and I still wonder why he won’t come around me and make up stories that he’s so enamored he can’t. [Isn’t that always how it is in the gothic romances? The man is so in love he stays away. Right.] I notice, notice, notice, but gratefully I don’t feel despair.

The next day, I wonder if I should give him something, how I will give him my business card, how I will thank him. I realize the motives behind what I’m doing and instead I say, “Yesterday was really sweet, thank you.” He thanks me and by then I’m about to start bawling, so I leave the room quickly.

I notice that I’m scared to let this in. I will have to give up my old strategies.

I am The Beloved giving myself the experience of feeling loved.

Comments

[sandi]

What a well told story! I loved reading about your experience and noticing that I've had some similar ones. ;o) It's such a comfort to know that there are no new thoughts... they're all recycled! YOU are indeed the beloved and how perfect it is to give to yourself what you thought you had to get from others. How can we expect to get from others that which we aren't willing to give to ourselves? You are brilliant! I love your light and thank you for sharing it so authentically.

Love, Sandi